I chase people in trying to fill the void in my heart, a pressing pain that it is hard to ignore. I sigh. I complain. I cry. Only to learn that they are nothing but just human beings. A creature so weak who cannot even stand on their own two feet were it not for Allah’s help. Yes. I know that, of course. Humans are weak and I should always rely on God. Or so the hadeeth says,
“One day I was riding (a horse/camel) behind the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, when he said, ‘Young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of God, and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Him, and you shall find Him at your side. If you ask, ask of God. If you need help, seek it from God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together in order to help you, they would not be able to help you except if God had written so. And if the whole world were to gather together in order to harm you, they would not harm you except if God had written so. The pens have been lifted, and the pages are dry.’ ” – Narrated by Tirmidhi
If you ask, ask of Allah. If you need help, seek it from Allah. If the world were to gather together in order to help you, they would not be able to help except if Allah has written so. I cannot seem to fathom this especially when people are just always within reach. Texts, calls and when they can physically be by my side. Lend their shoulder for me to lean on and wipe my crystal tears away. And so, in each and every day, I flee. I flee and knock on their doors. Some open it and shut it close the second they saw me. Most would open the door, give a sympathetic look, some kind words and shut it close. Few open their doors, welcomes with a smile and let me in. Oh and some, never open their doors. Stubbornly, I continue to knock and wait for their doors to open, for someone to let me in. For someone to tell me that I am loved.
Years and years passed. More disappointments and heartbreaks. Never did a time come that I was fully content and satisfied. Yet, despite the heartbreaks, I still knock on their doors until.. one night. On that particular night, all doors were shut, curtains drawn, windows locked. I walked down the streets, knocked on every door but no one responded.
..Its as if I could hear them whisper behind closed doors. “Keep quiet. She’s coming.” My heart breaks. Not a single soul was there to help. When all doors are shut, that’s when I remember one that never does. One that is always open. One that healed my heart and made the person I am today. One who has never left my side. One who accepts me as I am. At that instant, I run back home and knocked on His door. I prayed. I cried till my head throbs in pain. The burden, the pain was lifted with every tear I shed.
Like a star in the night sky, I know You are my light. Like a key that unlocks the gates of happiness, I know You hold the key. The thistles and thorns in life has surely made me fall. Deeper and deeper. In love. With You. O my Rabb, I have fallen so deep. And here I am, undeserving but hoping that You have fallen for me too.